High Hopes
by nayaswifee
Summary: "My name is Santana Lopez and I'm an addict." AU. Canon up until 4x22.
1. Prologue

**A/N I've had this story stuck in my head for a while now.**  
><strong>WARNING: This will contain high drug use. <strong>

"Hello, my name is Santana Lopez and I'm an addict."

That's me. Yes, my name is Santana Lopez and I'm an addict who found herself in rehab at the young age of twenty-one. I said this as I stood in front of eight other people who were also addicts just like me.

It's amazing when you look at your life and where you are in it because you never expect to be where you are. Everything you think you know never turns out to be what you expect. Here I am, twenty-one years old, and in rehab. I have no one else to blame but myself really.

I've never been one to express how I was feeling. In fact, I hated talking about feelings and being here, that's all we ever do. It's quite an exhausting thing to do day in and day out. Perhaps that's my problem. I'd rather not talk about anything and just cover it up with some sarcasm or by snorting something up my nose. Whatever the case, both lifestyles are extremely exhausting.

Life is a series of choices and the choices that we make are supposed to mold us into the person that we are. We're taught from an early age that if you make good choices, good things will happen. However, if we make poor choices, nothing good with come to you. What they don't tell you is that even if you change and begin to make better choices, those bad choices that you once made will come back and haunt you forever. Like some karma shit or something.

Of course I was there when the health teacher told us all about the dangers of drug use. I solemly swore to myself that I would never get caught up in the drug scene. I was told myself I was too good to use drugs. Hell, I was from Lima, Ohio where drug use is scarce. People didn't use drugs where I'm from and if they did, everyone knew about it. They were like the black sheep of the town where if they were walking down the street, all they'd hear were whispers about them. It's funny because now they all whisper about me.

I can tell you what drugs will make you feel like. I can tell you which drugs will make you feel the most euphoric and which will just make you feel like jumping off a bridge. I can tell you all about the drugs I've done. I can tell you what doing drugs can do to your body. I can tell you about how much I wanted to rid myself of drugs forever and just live a mediocre life but that would be a lie. As for the rest, I'm sure you don't want to know any of that.

You want to know my story? What led me, a straight A student with a bright future, here locked away behind these doors? How someone like me became so addicted to drugs that she almost lost her life? How I managed to devastate ever single person who ever gave a damn about me?

It's not too surprising, really. It began just like every other story you've ever read before. It started like every damn cliche you've ever heard.

It started with a girl.

**A/N Shall I continue?**


	2. Brittany

**A/N I'm still working out the kinks of how exactly I want to write this story so bear with me here.**

Brittany.

She's the one person in the entire world who can handle me at my absolute worst.

"You look good today." she said to me as we ate lunch outside at a picnic table.

"Thanks." I replied quietly as I pushed around my the contents of my salad.

Brittany comes to visit me every Tuesday during visiting hours. I've been here for fifty-five days so that makes today her sixth visit. She wasn't allowed to come the first week due to me having to detox.

Brittany and I met when we were just little kids. I think we were about eight years old. I found her sitting under the playground crying at recess.

_"Hey, what's wrong?" I asked when I noticed the little blonde sitting under the slide hugging herself tightly with tears in her eyes._

_"Katie Stretch told everyone I peed my pants but I just went down the slide and it was wet. Now no one wants to be my friend. They all think I'm stupid." She told me as she wiped her eyes._

_"Katie Stretch is a jerk." I told her. "You're not stupid. I'll be your friend." I crouched down beside her wiping the dirt off her knees. "Come on." I held out my hand for her to take which she did as she perked up a bit. I led her out from under the slide still hand in hand. "Let's go to the swings!" I said with a huge smile._

_"Watch out! Brittany might pee her pants again and get the swings all wet!" Katie teased as she began to walk away laughing loudly. She started to walk passed us as I stuck my foot out causing her to trip and fall on her face. Her face instantly contorted and she began to cry._

_"Leave Brittany alone!" I yelled at her._

_She got up and wiped the dirt from her clothing. "I'm telling the teacher you just tripped me!" She threatened as she wiped her eyes._

_"I don't care. I'll tell her you were picking on Brittany!" I snarked back. Katie grew red in the face and stomped away angrily. "Don't worry Brittany, I'll protect you from people like her." I said softly as I took her hand in mine and drug her over the the swings._

Brittany and I were attached at the hip from that day on. We always looked out for each other. We were always sleeping over each other's houses on the weekends. We had your typical childhood friendship. However, high school made things a little more complicated.

When we were thirteen, neither one of us had ever kissed a boy before. And so we did what we thought any other teenage girl did in our shoes. We practiced on each other. Our kisses we were sloppy at first but that was to be expected. She was my first kiss and I was hers but at the time, we decided that our kisses didn't count. My "first" kiss was with Danny Bryson. He was on the football team and we kissed during a game of spin the bottle. Brittany's first kiss was with Carl Johnson. He was a science nerd but Brittany liked him so I was supportive.

They were just kisses. Nothing more.

When we entered high school, she and I joined the cheerleading squad, the cheerios. It was then that we became friends with one of the most popular, most envious girls in school, Quinn Fabray. She made Britt and I royalty at the school. There were always boys fawning over us and we just got to pick who we wanted to flaunt on our arm. I tested out several guys until I landed on one solid one, Noah Puckerman. He was on the football team as well but on top of that, he was one of McKinley's bad boys.

It was innocent with him at first but not for long. Soon enough, I found myself naked underneath him giving myself fully to him. In movies they always make your first time seem so magical. In reality, it was awkward and it hurts like hell. Call me naive but I thought it was going to make me feel different, like a grown up. It didn't. I didn't feel anything from it.

I lost my virginity first and inevitably, Brittany soon lost hers after mine to someone who didn't go to our school. She met him when we went away on a Cheerios camping trip along with other schools. She says that he just climbed in her tent and voila! Whatever that meant.

Puck, that's what we called him, was a bit of a player and I didn't spark his interest long enough for him to stick around. Brittany just seemed to bounce from partner to partner. It wasn't until one Friday night when me and Britt were at my house alone while every other person our age was out on a date did things take a turn. At first, we just kissed like we had done several times before but the need to feel closer to someone consumed us both. Not long after, Brittany and I were completely naked in my bed shivering with each touch of our skin.

We chalked it up to just experimenting but we both knew it was more than that. It wasn't like when I slept with Puck. This was different. It was like two puzzle pieces molding together in perfect form. This made me feel different but like I said before, I didn't like to talk about feelings.

Sleeping together became a regular thing for us. It was like our little secret. Of course, just like any friends with benefits, sleeping together without feelings doesn't last very long.

It's safe to say that in high school, Brittany was what saved me.

Talking about feelings was my biggest fear. I didn't like the feeling of being vulnerable, not even with Brittany. However, she wanted me to tell her how I felt about our relationship. She _needed_ me to. So I told her, I was in love with her.

It took us some time and a few obstacles to be together but when it finally happened, it was magical. We were officially together for about a year. That year was the best year of my life. It was perfect. I had Brittany and she had me. She was mine.

She was mine.

She was.

Was.

Unfortunately, Brittany had to repeat her senior year leaving us both in different places. Long distance relationships never work out and so when I realized that our love was depleting, I ended it. I didn't want to risk the chance of us hating each other.

We're just friends now. I think I probably screwed up every chance of us being together ever again but I guess just being her friend is better than not having her in my life at all.

After we broke up, I tried to just focus on my schoolwork and being a cheerleader in college. It worked to a little while and it was helpful that I was miles away but soon enough, I learned that college wasn't for me. Nothing about college mattered when you couldn't build a future with someone you love so I dropped out. Nothing, I mean nothing could prepare me for when I learned that she had started dating someone else.

Me, of course, went back to Lima for one last attempt at getting her back. I tried making her jealous by hiring one of my fellow ex- cheermates to pretend to be my girlfriend but she saw right through me. That's one of the downsides of dating your best friend; they know you so well. So I moved to New York.

That's what I originally wanted to do but my mom talked me into going to college. I figured new place, new start and that I could slowly wipe the sting of Brittany off of me and move on.

That's pretty much where my story begins.

Now, I don't want to sound like I blame Brittany for my downward spiral. I don't. It's not her fault at all. It's my own damn fault.

Instead of coming to New York to find opportunity and adventure, I was crippled with loneliness and the constant ache of where Brittany used to be. I worked several jobs one being a bartender at the Coyote Ugly bar and that's where I met Sophia.

She was a bartender there also and aspiring to be a model. She had ins with the famous crowd so it was perfect for me as I was an aspiring singer. She was beautiful. She had long brown hair, green eyes, long toned legs, and even more toned abs. On our second date, she took me to a party.

It was a VIP party where only certain people got to attend. It was at a club in Queens and man, it was like being in royalty. There was every kind of alcohol there that you could imagine and it was dark for the most part except for the walls that were lit up different neon colors. She took me to a back room that had four or five other people in there.

_"Hey Joey." Sophia said to a man who was sitting in the far corner. He was Latino, like me, and he was wearing a grey wife beater, blue jeans, and work boots. _

_He stood up and hugged Sophia. "Hey girl!"_

_"Joey, this is Santana. Santana, this is Joey. He takes care of me." She said smiling at him._

_"Nice to meet you." He stuck his hand out and I reciprocated shaking his hand giving him a smile._

_"Same." I said._

_Joey leaned into Sophia's ear. "Hey, I got some shit. You want some?" He asked not so quietly._

_"Yeah." Sophia said as her eyes light up. "Come on Santana." I followed her and Joey to a round table in the corner where Joey was just sitting previously. I didn't know what was going on until Joey pulled out a bag that contained a white substance. I froze initially because I had never actually seen cocaine in real life. I'd only ever seen pictures. I watched as Joey drew out three lines on the table._

_"What are you doing?" I asked Sophia when she took the rolled up dollar bill from Joey's hand and put it to her nose._

_"Relax. It's all cool." She said placing her hand on mine._

_"That's cocaine." I said causing Joey and Sophia to chuckle._

_"Uh, yeah. We know." She laughed. "Relax, I don't do this all the time. It just helps me unwind and relax so I can have fun. It's no big deal." She assured me as we locked eyes and stared at each other for a moment. After I didn't respond, she took the rolled up dollar bill and used it to snort the white line in front of her. "Aww, yeah." She said as she wiped the remnants off her nose. "Want some?" She asked me holding out the rolled up dollar bill to me. "Try some. It'll help you relax and have a good time. You look like you need a good time, baby." She cooed. I stared at the bill intently pondering on what my next move should be. I did need a good time and I was so tired of thinking all the time. I just wanted to forget. "I promise you, nothing bad will happen." She told me placing her hand on my knee. _

_I gulped and reached for the bill. Sophia smiled at me and placed her hand on my back as I bent down and snorted the substance up my nose._

_The burn. That was the first thing I felt. My eyes welled up with tears as my nose felt like it was on fire. And then the euphoria came. Suddenly, all I could feel was excitement and happiness. Every nerve, every ounce of sadness, every ounce of loneliness was gone. It made me forget. I couldn't remember the last time I had felt this happy before. _

_The downside was that it didn't last long. The effects wore off about thirty minutes later and I began to feel worse than I did before._

_So we did another line._

_And then another._

_And another._

_I don't remember the rest of that night. I just remember waking up naked next to Sophia in a strange bed. The euphoria was gone but the craving for more was definitely there._

"Hey, are you okay?" Brittany asked breaking me out of my thoughts.

"Oh, yeah. I'm fine. Just thinking." I told her with a smile.

"Thinking about what?" She asked before taking a bite of her salad.

I didn't want to tell her that I was thinking about her, about Sophia. I think it's fair to say that Brittany knew that I was still in love with her and I knew that she was still in love with me. But things were different now. I didn't feel like I even worthy of her love anymore. I can sit here and say that she broke my heart but the truth is, I broke hers worse than I can even fathom and for that, I'll never forgive myself.

"They're starting to do one on one sessions soon. I was wondering if you would come in for them. It'll be helpful for us." I explained. I was entirely lying. That's actually something I wanted to ask her today.

"Sure." She said giving me a small smile.

"Great." I nodded turning my attention back to my salad.

**A/N Thoughts?**


	3. Exposed

**A/N I'm so happy that you guys are enjoying this story! I didn't think that it was going to pick up like it did. YAY!**

"Brittany, it's nice of you to be able to join us today." A week passed since her visit and since they were now having family members and other people in our lives come in for therapy as well, Tuesdays were now therapy sessions with us. "I'm Dr. Thurman, Santana's counselor. I've been doing sessions with her since she got here. It's nice to finally meet you. I've heard alot about you." She said as she shook Brittany's hand. Brittany smiled softly while nodding. "Any questions before we start?" She asked us and we both shook our heads. "Okay, well tell me how you're relationship has been since Santana's been in treatment."

Brittany looked at me for a brief moment before clearing her throat. "It's uh, it's been okay." Brittany replied shyly.

"Okay, do you feel that Santana is making progress?" she asked after nodding her head.

Brittany nodded before giving me a small smile. "Yeah, I think that she's starting to return to the old Santana again."

Dr. Thurman nodded as she began jotting notes down on her clipboard. "And what was the old Santana like?"

"Sweet, charming, hard headed." She listed carefully while smiling at the memories. "Santana always wanted everyone to percieve her as tough but she was mush inside when she allowed herself to be. She had this huge heart that she only let certain people see." She explained staring at the wall.

"Did she let you see it?"

"Yeah." Brittany nodded before pursing her lips. "For awhile I was the only person she let see it."

"How did you learn about Santana's drug use?" she asked intently sitting down in her chair and holding her pen up to her mouth.

"Our friends, Santana's roommates called me." Brittany said motioning between us.

"And you were away at school at the time? MIT?" she scribbled more notes onto her clipboard before looking up.

"Correct." Brittany said before swallowing thickly

"And when they called you, what did they say?"

Brittany took a breath before looking to me for reassurance. I gave her a small nod encouraging her to be honest and open. "They told me that Santana was on a destructive path and I needed to come talk to her." She explained shakily. "They said that she was working as a stripper at a bar and that she wouldn't come home for days. I don't think they knew about the drug use at the time." She clasped her hands together and dropped her gaze to them.

"How did that make you feel?"

"It was really hard to believe." She shook her head. "That's not Santana. For a moment I thought that maybe they were overreacting but deep down I knew from the way they sounded that something was wrong." She closed her eyes for a moment before opening them. "So I went to New York. I had to see for myself."

**xxxx**

_"Yeah, baby! Shake it!" A group of guys cheered as I shook my ass before climbing the pole and hung upside down._

_Sophia and I got fired from the bar after getting caught having sex in the back room. Of course we were too high to care. But as we came down from our high and the drugs were running out, we knew we were fucked. Our drug dealer suggested that we come work for him at some strip joint in Queens and I course was intinially like hell no but I needed money. I swore that I spend the money my parents gave me for graduation on drugs so I needed a job. It had it's perks though because he'd often pay us in drugs._

_I wasn't prejudice about different kinds of drugs at this point. Anything that could get me high would suffice. On the weekends we'd use crystal meth because you feel high for a long period of time, longer than cocaine, and you don't really feel the need to sleep. We'd work at the club and then party, pull an all-nighter and go to work again. It was glorious. Of course if I could, I'd have all girls fawning over me and slipping dollars into my thong instead of men but beggers can't be choosers._

_Rachel and Kurt didn't know about my job until an acquaintance of theirs saw me stripping here one night. Of course they confronted me about it and told me that I was throwing my life away. What did they know? They had potential futures ahead of them. As much as I hate to admit it, Berry is broadway bound. She's set. And Kurt, he's doing great in school so he'll have a huge future ahead of him. As for me, I didn't know what I wanted. I thought it would be easier to make it out here but now it seems impossible. _

_After arguing with them in an endless battle, I told them to mind their own business and I stormed out. That was a few days ago and I guess they got the hint because they haven't said anything since. I just hope they continue to leave me alone._

_"Santana!" my boss yelled to me after I climbed down the pole and into the dressing room. "Lap dance, booth three. Now." I sat in my chair and freshened up quickly before making my way to the booths._

_The booths were private areas and clients would order lap dancing. I normally dreaded that because it was always some old man who couldn't get anything anywhere else. I'd usually use really quick in the bathroom so I wouldn't feel anything. If I didn't, you'd find me crying in a bathroom stall. I hated having man hands all over me, groping me, making me feel violated. It was degrading but I was having a good day today so I didn't want to cry. Luckily, I used before I went on stage so I was still good to go. I found booth three and stepped in but quickly froze when I saw who was sitting in the chair._

_"Brittany.."_

**xxxx**

"What went through your mind when you saw Brittany sitting there?" my therapist asked as I cringed at the memory.

"Initially shock." I told them. "And then shame."

"What about you, Brittany?" she then asked.

"It was a worldwind of emotions. It felt like a nightmare. Only it wasn't." She explained breathlessly.

_"Wh- what are you doing here?" I asked after a moment of silence as we both soaked up each other's presence._

_"I should ask you the same thing." she replied sternly. "Stripper, Santana, seriously?" she then chided me. "What is going on with you?"_

_If I wasn't sober before, I definitely was now. Seeing Brittany sucked all the bliss out of me and I couldn't help but feel ashamed for everything I'd been doing. I didn't want her to see me like this. Her of all people. _

_"Come on, I'm getting you out of here. Let's go." She said stepping towards me and grabbing my arm._

_I jerked my arm away quickly. "I'm not going anywhere." I said sternly. "Why are you here?"_

_"Rachel and Kurt called me. They were right, you are on a destructive path." She told me. _

_"I'm fine." I said through gritted teeth. "Go home, Brittany." I said locking eyes with her._

_She pursed her lips for a moment before reaching in her pocket. "Fine." She said shaking her head. "If you want to have guys grope your ass for a living, then fine." She stepped closer so that our faces were inches apart. "But you're better than this, Santana. I just hope you realize that before it's too late." She took my hand and placed a wad of cash into it. "For the lap dance." She said before brushing passed me and leaving the booth leaving me standing there stunned._

_When I finally regained my composure, I immediately grabbed my purse and locked myself in a bathroom stall. I sifted through my purse searching for the small baggie of meth I was given yesterday and my rolled up dollar bill. When I found them, I pulled out my small mirror and drew out a line before snorting it up into my nose. The high came quick and I no longer felt the sting of Brittany's visit on my skin. I no longer thought about her kisses and her sweet smile. I no longer thought about what her skin felt like on mine everytime we made love. I no longer thought about the ache in my heart where she once was. It was all pure bliss. I threw everything back in my purse and left the bathroom heading back to work._

_Instead of staying out and partying all night, I settled for going home and getting some sleep. Even though my confrontation with Brittany was brief, I felt more exhausted now than I did after a weekend of partying. I threw my purse on my bed and hopped in the shower but not before doing a line so that I could atleast stay awake for my shower._

_When I got out and went back to my bedroom, I noticed my purse was missing from my bed. I just assumed that maybe I thought I put it back on my bed but I was just delirious from the drugs and exhaustion. I quickly got changed and then began to search for my purse when a voice startled me._

_"Looking for this?" Brittany appeared in the doorway holding my purse. I glared at her before walking towards her and snatching my purse out of her hands. Sudden panic came over me as I dug through my purse which was filled with drug paraphernalia making sure she didn't look in it. "Are you okay?" She asked as I not so subtley rummaged through my purse. _

_"Y-yeah. Just looking for my chapstick." I nervously chuckled. I was still really high from the line I did before my shower and I was trying my hardest to act sober._

_"Oh." She said quietly. "Are you sure you're not looking for this?" I shot my head up and surely Brittany was standing there holding my bag of methamphetamine._

_I froze for a moment. "Brittany, I, I-"_

_"Don't." She said holding her hand up to stop me. _

_I was more scared that she knew my secret than I was mad that she had gone through my things. "It's not mine. It's a friend's." I lied as I spoke frantically._

_"Oh, okay. Sure. It's not yours." She said sarcastically. She slowly walked towards me until she was standing in front of me. "How long?"_

_"Britt, it's not-"_

_She cut me off. "How long?" She asked sternly._

_"Six months." I said quietly._

_"Jesus, Santana." She groaned as her hands flew to her head._

_"It's fine. I have it under control." I felt myself slur._

_"Oh, you have it under control?" She asked sarcastically seeing right through me._

_"Yes!" I nearly yelled._

_She shook her head and laughed. "You're so high right now, Santana." She looked me up and down before gulping. "You're so high." I felt myself deflate then but I found the courage to reach for the bag but she pulled it out of my reach. "This is mine now." She told me._

_"Whatever. I can just go get more." I told her cockily._

_"You know what," she grabbed my hand and placed the baggie in my hand just like she did the money. "Snort up." She gave me a smartass smile and turned on her heel leaving my room._

_I looked down at the bag of meth in hand and closed my eyes. "Fuck." I said under my breath._

**xxxx**

"When you walked out of her bedroom that night, what was going through your mind?"

"I wanted to help her." Brittany said quickly. "I was furious at her but I knew she needed me and I wasn't going to leave her alone until she stopped."

"Were you still in love with her then?" Dr. Thurman asked.

"Yes." She replied confidently.

"How about you, Santana?"

"Definitely." I replied just as confidently.

"And how about now?" Dr. Thurman asked crossing her legs. "Brittany, are you still in love with Santana?"

**A/N Ha! Yes, I'm evil and left you guys hanging. Thoughts on the chapter? Anything you want to see happen? Are you guys enjoying the story?**


	4. You & Me Plus The Bottle Makes Three

**A/N I was debating on whether or not to continue this story because it hasn't been getting that many responses. I'm hoping you guys are enjoying this. Please leave me your feedback! Also note that it's not always going to take place in a therapist's office. Santana will be leaving rehab in a few weeks. So the story won't always flip flop. It starts in the middle, goes back into the past, and then will go on after rehab. If that makes sense.**

"And how about now?" Dr. Thurman asked crossing her legs. "Brittany, are you still in love with Santana?"

"Yes." She breathed out before swallowing thickly.

"Santana, are you still in love with Brittany?" Dr. Thurman asked turning to me.

"Yes." I said quietly.

/

My head hasn't stopped spinning since the counseling session on Tuesday. It was now Friday and I couldn't get Brittany's voice saying she was still in love with me out of my head.

She was still in love with me.

She still loved me after everything I've put her through.

I didn't deserve her. She should know that by now but in a selfish way I'm glad she doesn't because I don't know what I'd do without her. She's the only person who has always remained constant in my life. Even if we aren't together, she's still my best friend.

I only have twenty-one days left here and even though I can't wait to leave, the thought of going back to my own life terrifies me. Brittany and I would have to talk without a mediator. I know I've hurt her, I can see it in her eyes. She holds back even though I promise her that anything she says, I won't be mad at her for it.

It wasn't just about Brittany, though. There were so many other strained relationships that I needed to repair. My parents found out about my drug addiction through Kurt and Rachel. They weren't pleased and we had a major blowout. I haven't talked to them since. They did, however, pay for my treatment so I was grateful for that.

Rachel and Kurt have seen some of the worst of it. They had to live with my mood swings and nights where I couldn't even walk straight. They've seen me at my worst and even though it's hard for me to admit it, I'm glad they stepped in.

I'd be lying to you if I said that I never wanted to use again. That's a big fat lie because even though I've been sober for sixty-nine days, the urges are still there. That's what scares me the most. What if I get out of here and I can't resist temptation? People here tell me that the urge to use might never go again.

As much as I love the euphoria of drugs, I love her more.

/

"How long were you there with her, Brittany? I mean how long was it from when you go there until she came here?" She asked curiously.

"It was about a week, I think." she replied clasping her hands together.

"Tell me about that week."

"Um, well, after the night I found the drugs, I tried to talk to her about it but she kept blowing me off like nothing was wrong." she explained glancing at me for a second.

"So this was the week before she came to rehab?" Dr. Thurman asked scribbling in her notebook. Brittany nodded and I tried to remember exactly what happened that week. "So your addiction pretty severe at this point, correct?"

"Yeah." I whispered bashed. "Before it was mostly just cocaine and sometimes meth but at this point, I would do whatever I could get my hands on."

"She was different and I could tell when she was really high and when she was coming down from it. She was more herself when she was coming down from it." Brittany explained and it took me by surprise. "I thought that maybe if I used our relationship, I could get her back to herself."

"What do you mean by that?" Dr. Thurman asked.

"I know Santana better than anyone. That being said, I know her weaknesses. I knew from the look on her face when she saw me at the club the first time that she still loved me. I figured maybe if I could just get her alone, no talking, I could help her remember who she was with touch. It's a language we knew best." Brittany said cautiously. She kept glancing to me as if I was going to jump down her throat but I wasn't mad, just confused about where her feelings were that night.

"Do you mean intimacy?"

"Yes, sex." She confirmed.

"Wait, hold up." I said and Brittany slightly tensed. "You only had sex with me because you thought it would knock some sense into me?"

"Not exactly." She said quietly. "That was part of it but I had sex with you because I love you and I wanted you to know how much you are loved. Also because I missed you and missed being like that with you." She explained.

"So you had sex? When?" Dr. Thurman asked.

Brittany sighed. "It was a couple days after I found the drugs. Santana went out to a club and I followed her there. I wasn't going to give up on her that easily."

I remember most of that night. The beginning was a little fuzzy because I was really wasted early on. I don't remember anything really until I felt Brittany press her body flush against me on the dance floor.

_I turned around knowing who the body was, I knew her touch. "Brittany what are you doing here?" I asked before my breath hitched as I took in her appearance. She was wearing a tight blue dress with black heels and her hair was down in bouncy curls._

_"I came here to dance with you." She said simply as she shrugged her shoulders. I was so dumbfounded that I couldn't even say anything. "Dance with me." She whispered as she pulled me closer to her so that our lips were inches apart. Thank god Sophia wasn't here tonight because I don't think it would've gone over well. I mean, we weren't in love or anything. We mostly just used each other for sex and drugs. I knew that and she knew that. It was like a no strings attached kind of thing which I was grateful for because I wasn't ready to deal with feelings, obviously._

_We stayed like that for a minute before I pushed her backwards. "I can't." I said as I walked away from her. Of course she followed me and I was about to go to the bathroom when she grabbed my arm pulling me to face her._

_"Santana, stop." She said. "You can't run from me forever."_

_She was right, I couldn't. She was Brittany and I hated the fact that she saw right through me. I hated that she knew when I was lying or when something was wrong. I hated it. _

_I stared at her locking eyes with her. She was still the same old Brittany and I was definitely not the same old Santana. "What do you want, Brittany? Why are you still here?" I asked and she didn't even hesitate to answer._

_She kissed me, hard as she pushed me up against the wall of the club. It took me by surprise and suddenly my entire body felt like it was going to burst into flames. I kissed her back and our lips molded together perfectly. It occured to me that this is what I've been missing for the past two years. Every intimate encounter I've had since we've broken up didn't compare to this and this was only a kiss. I felt her tongue slip passed my lips and I didn't even try to stop it. In this moment I felt higher than being on any kind of drug. My tongue found hers and they rolled together in perfect synchronicity. When the kiss broke, we stared into each other's eyes as we tried to catch our breath. _

_"Let's get out of here." I panted out. She pulled back to unpin me from the wall and we rushed out of there back to my apartment._

_Once I stepped inside and shut the door, she pinned me to the wall again attacking my lips. I felt a little calmer that we were alone now but I was still in a state of oblivion as her hands roamed my body. She still remembers every spot on me that sent a jolt of electricity through my body. Our kisses were frantic at this point, moreso than they were at the club. She hoisted my right leg up to wrap around her waist as she slipped her hand under my dress and brushed her fingers against my core. I broke the kiss to let out as squeaky moan as her lips made their way to my neck. She retracted her hand and grinded her thigh into me as she went back to kissing my lips. I pressed my tongue in her mouth as she moaned into the kiss and found the hem of my dress and pushed it up hooking her hands under my thighs. I got her cue and jumped up a little as she picked me up._

_"Bed." I mumbled into the kiss. She turned us around and carried me to the bedroom before pinning me against my door again. She hooked my ankles together and let go of my legs to pull my dress over my head which I helped her with when she started to have trouble. Her face lit up when she found out I wasn't wear a bra and began to kiss my breasts. I felt my hips start to grind into her and she took that as a hint to move to the bed where she laid me down gently. She kissed me while moving her hands to the waistband of my panties before removing the offending material and throwing them to the side. I sat up and grabbed the hem of her dress and yanked it up where she quickly tore it off. She wasn't wearing a bra either and I licked my lips when her breasts came into sight. I leaned forward and kissed her stomach before pulling her panties down quickly as she stepped out of them._

_She leaned down and attached her lips to mine signaling for me to crawl up further on the bed, the kiss never breaking as we crawled to the head of the bed. She opened my legs wide and ran her finger through my folds eliciting a loud moan from me before sticking her finger in her mouth sucking the juices off. I lay underneath her surrendering my entire body to her, letting her do whatever she wanted to me. She kissed down my body to my breasts where she wasted no time in taking a nipple in her mouth causing me to squirm underneath her. Her hand moved to my core again where she dipped her fingers in and explored my drenched center. I didn't even try to stiffle my moans as she continued to suck on my breasts and find the sensitive nub of nerves rubbing it in tight circles. My back arched off the bed when she inserted two fingers into me thrusting them in and out. It was slow at first but pretty shortly after she was pounding them into me leaving me a whimpering mess under her._

_"Oh, fuck!" I moaned out loudly as she slammed into me and flicked her tongue over my nipple. "Shit, don't stop." I panted out loudly as my walls started to clench down on her fingers. She slowed down a bit and used her thumb to rub circles on my clit as my jaw went slack and I arched my back. She wrapped her other arm around my waist to still me as I climaxed. My legs trembled as my chest heaved up and down, she was still rubbing me slowly to bring me down. I slowly brought my body back down fully on the bed as she retracted her arm from around my waist and moved up my body a little so she could kiss me. _

_"Just like I remember." She whispered against my lips. She straddled me again and looked down at her center briefly noticing she was ready for me. I broke the kiss and winked at her as I shimmied my body down then bed underneath her spreading her legs out further. I expertly situated myself so my face was right below her core. "San, what are you- oh fuck!" I grabbed her waist and pulled her down on my mouth running my tongue through her dripping folds. Brittany used to love this and so did I especially went she'd grind down on me coating my face with her juices. I ran my tongue over her clit causing her hips to jerk as she moaned and held onto the headboard for support. Once she was whimpering above me, I circled her entrance with my tongue before pushing it in. "S-san." She stuttered out shakily as I thrust into her again as deep as I could. Her hips began to move with me and I couldn't help but smile. God, she was so sexy when she did that. I felt her legs start to shake so I removed my tongue from in her and attached it to her clit. "Fuck fuck fuck!" She screamed out in pleasure. "Santana I'm gonna- oh my god!" She yelled as I felt her come in my mouth. I licked her clean before pressing a final kiss to her core. She shakily got off me before collapsing next to me. "That was amazing." She panted after a moment of trying to catch her breath. She leaned forward and caught my lips before we both drifted off to sleep. _

_Brittany is the only person who can make me feel whole when in reality I'm a complete mess. Nobody else makes me feel like I belong and lying here in her arms, it feels as though everything is right in the world. It's like I could be the worst person in the world and she would still love me unconditionally. No drug has ever made me feel the way she makes me feel when she's around._

_But like everything else in the world, it doesn't last forever._

_I woke up a couple hours later in a cold sweat. I was shaking and felt like I was going to throw up. I needed something. Brittany was fast asleep on my chest with her hand wrapped around my waist. I moved slowly from under her, careful not to wake her, and grabbed my purse before going into the bathroom. My hands were shaking so bad but I managed to find my bag of white powder drawing a line out and snorting it up my nose. Relief came instantly and I took a deep breath as the substance worked it's magic. _

_I couldn't fall back asleep after that so I just layed next to her and watched her sleep. She looked absolutely perfect and I knew in that moment that I didn't deserve her. She was too good for me. I was absolutely nothing. I was worthless. She deserved everything I couldn't give to her and it broke my heart to know that she was still in love with me. How can anyone ever love me?_

"Did you two talk after this happened?" Dr. Thurman asked furrowing her brows.

"Uh, yeah. The next morning." I told her causing her to nod.

"What did you two talk about?" She asked.

_Since I couldn't sleep because I was too high, I hopped out of bed and made us breakfast. Brittany must have smelt it because she came out of the bedroom in one of my long t-shirts and shorts. I couldn't help but smile at her in my clothes._

_"Good morning." She smiled at me._

_"Morning." I smiled back. She came around the counter where I was standing holding a spatula waiting to flip the pancakes and kissed me on the lips. I wasn't as high as I was when I originally came down here. I was just buzzed now which I was thankful for because I didn't feel like arguing with her about it._

_"Hungry?" I asked motioning to the stack of pancakes I was making._

_"Starving!" She said as she went around the counter and sat down. I finished making our pancakes and we ate in silence. _

_"San.." She said quietly and I knew what was coming. She wanted to talk about last night. "I know that you hate talking about feelings but last night... was that a mistake?" She asked and I could sense the caution in her voice._

_"It's never a mistake when we make love." I said quietly without thinking. It was like word vomit. That's what she did to me. I wasn't lying though. I never wanted her to think that it was just sex with us. We both know that's never been the case._

_She smiled at me and nodded while looking down. "So what now?" She asked looking back at me._

_"I don't know. What do you want to do?" I asked after thinking for a moment._

_"I miss you, San, so much. Last night felt so right." She told me and I nodded back at her showing her that I agreed. "I want to be with you. I don't want to go back to school. I hate it there so much. I love you so much."_

_"I want to be with you too, Britt. You know I love you, too." I told her almost robotically._

_I was a little stunned by her confession and a million thoughts ran through my head. I didn't know how to answer. Brittany was everything that I'd been missing. She was a big piece of me that without I felt empty. Still, I couldn't mask the fact that things were different now. I was different and not in a good way. I couldn't go without using anymore. If I did, I felt ill and I knew deep down what that meant. I couldn't let her see me like that. _

_"Let me help you, San." She interrupted my thoughts. "I know you've got a lot going on but we can get through it together. We can go to meetings or whatever you need. You don't need drugs, Santana. You have me."_

_Maybe I could kick this habit with her. Maybe she was the key to my success. All I knew is that living without drugs was a scary feeling but living without her was horrifying._

_I didn't know if fear would be enough though._

_"Please." She begged and I could see the passion in her eyes. Brittany has always made me feel safe. She's always made me brave. "We can take it slow. Just promise me you'll try. Promise me you'll stop using." She said almost desperately._

_I swallowed thickly and closed my eyes briefly before opening them. "Okay. I promise." She squealed and pulled me in for a kiss as the need-to-use sensation began to tumble over me._

"And did she keep her promise?" my therapist asked squinting her eyes like she was afraid to hear the answer.

I looked up at Brittany and noticed tears streaming down her face as she choked on a sob. "No." She sobbed out shaking her head.

**A/N Thoughts? PLEASE REVIEW. LET ME KNOW WHAT YOU'RE THINKING!**


	5. Fade To Black

**A/N Thank you so much for reviewing! I don't think people understand how helpful reviews can be. Getting your feedback let's me know what you guys like about the story and what you don't so that I can add more of the things you like and get rid of things you don't.**

**Someone reviewed and said that Santana is really, almost too dependent on Brittany and I was trying not to make her seem like that. RIght now Santana is clinging to Brittany because she's scared and Brittany is the only constant in her life. Brittany knows Santana better than anyone so if Santana can't save herself, perhaps Brittany could help in that matter. At the end of the day, Santana is the only one who can help Santana but Brittany is constantly reminding her of who she really is.**

**Someone also pointed out that Santana didn't even last a day without using drugs. That's the whole point though. Santana is a drug addict. This isn't her experimenting anymore, she's addicted both physically and psychologically. In the chapter you're going to see more of that. It's not that she doesn't want to stop, she can't. This has been going on for two years. I kinda cut out the middle of her drug addiction mostly because it's not that important and I didn't think you guys would be interested in reading chapters after chapter of Santana just being high and there not being any Brittany because the whole point of the story is the two of them lol.**

**But anyways, that's just some insight and things to keep in your head because sometimes I just suck at the beginning of stories.**

**Please keep reviewing! Let me know what you like and don't like or what you want to see more of. It's extemely helpful.**

Making Brittany cry was the worst feeling in the entire world. She got so choked up that she left. I felt myself breaking but refused to cry. I did this to her, therefore, I didn't deserve to cry and be upset. It was even worse to know that I couldn't even chase after her, pulling her into my arms, and tell her I love her. She probably wouldn't even have let me do that.

The worst part of it was that when I had made her that promise, I knew that I couldn't keep it. It was no longer a recreational thing, it hadn't been that way in a long time. I couldn't stop and I was a the point where I had dug myself into such a big hole that I didn't even know where I begin to dig myself out of it.

Nothing changed.

I still used, not as much as before but when I felt that feeling in the pit of my stomach, I knew I needed something in my system. I didn't use as much as before either but I couldn't stop all together. I just needed a constant buzz and I figured that if I was buzzed all the time she wouldn't be able to tell the difference between when I was high and when I wasn't. However, whenever she asked me if I used, I lied and told her no.

That wasn't to say that I didn't want to be with her because I did. My world was lighter when she was around and I felt more like myself. I loved her more than anything else in this world and the fact that she wanted to be with me was more than I could have hoped for. Yet, there was still things that I couldn't change overnight and quite frankly I was terrified. How do you tell someone that everything that they hated in a person was who they've become? How could I tell her that I allowed myself to get so wrapped up in drugs that I couldn't even tell you which way was up and which way is down? No. I needed to figure out a way around this without her finding out. I needed to get a handle on it myself but I couldn't do that overnight.

It was a vicious cycle, indeed because if I wasn't high, I felt guilty for lying to her and if I was high, I felt guilty for lying to her. I kept myself at a distance to shield her from who I was now. At night she'd hold me while we slept and I felt disgusted with myself because I didn't deserve to be held or loved.

I didn't use to kill the overwhelming loneliness I felt before. I used to take away the feelings that once Brittany saw me, it would kill her. Sobriety scared me because when you're sober, you can't run from who you've become.

I hadn't told Sophia about her but then again, she wasn't coming around much anymore. As far as I know she was doing some guy that was a customer at the club. Even if she did come around, I'd never cheat on Brittany. Ever.

I promised Brittany I'd quit my job as a stripper after I'd lined up a new job. I didn't look around for a new job that much because I knew that no other job would pay me like the club did. No other job would be happy to pay me in drugs. It wasn't about the money, I needed a high.

Brittany took me to my first NA meeting. All of these people have been sober for months or years and ironically, I went high on pills. The thing about cocaine and meth is that sometimes it can make you feel paranoid and I knew I needed to be calm throughout it. Not just for Brittany but because I knew that inevitably this is what my future looked like.

That scared me.

People have told me that Brittany thinking that I could just stop the drug use and be done with it was naive on her part but I think in her case it was just wishful thinking. Maybe she just didn't know what else to do. You can't force people to do something they don't want to do and I know Brittany knows that because I hid in the closet for years before I came out. And even when I did come out, it wasn't by choice. It was forced and it was ugly. It wouldn't have been so ugly if I had been allowed to come out on my own.

That's what this was. She was giving me a push but allowing me to come out on my own.

Nevertheless, that didn't change the fact that I had lied to her repeatedly. That night, when the lies finally came out, because they always come out, was probably the worst night of my entire life.

And at the same time, it was one of the better ones as well.

_I just walked in the door from another night at the club. Brittany was probably asleep as usually being that it was two in the morning. The past few nights everytime I've gotten home I'd slip in bed behind her and pull her into my hips causing her to stir. She'd turn in my arms and then straddle me where we'd make love for hours. She'd fall back asleep and then I'd feel the shakes and need to take something. It's been pills lately which often left me feeling foggy. Sex helped with that because the pills made me feel nothing but when Brittany touched me, I felt alive and nothing but pure bliss. I took a pill before leaving work and I was definitely feeling the effects now._

_The last time I slept with Brittany when I was sober was three years ago right before our breakup. Sex was more intense then and even though I hated being sober, I missed that._

_I hung up my coat in the closet and threw my purse in there as well. I went to the kitchen to get a glass of water when I was startled by a shadow at the table. As I got closer, I could tell it was Brittany. She had her elbows on the table with her hands clasped as they rested against her face, like she was praying. _

_"Britt?" I asked softly. "What are you doing up? It's late." I squinted in the darkness, and through my high to see her. She didn't respond. She just sat there in a statue. "Baby, come to bed." I cooed trying to coax her up. Again she didn't move. "Britt?" I turned the light on to see her better but instantly regretted it because the light was bright against my dialated pupils. _

_She looked up at me and I could see hurt on her face. "Look at me." She said quietly. I looked down at ground for a few seconds before locking eyes with her. "You're high again." She said just above a whisper. I shifted uncomfortably as I broke eye contact. "I met Sophia today." She spoke softly after a minute. I swallowed thickly. Oh no. "She brought you this. She said you asked for it yesterday." She pulled out a small bag containing a white substance and tossed it on the table. My heart began to race. Fuck. "I told her that's funny because I'm pretty sure Santana promised me she would stop or atleast try to and Santana doesn't break promises."_

_I couldn't defend this. I couldn't lie to her. The lie was sitting on the table._

_"Britt- I" I stammered._

_Brittany slammed her fists on the table causing me to jump. "Did you fuck her too, Santana?" She was angry._

_"No!" I said defensively. That wasn't a lie. "I haven't seen her since you got here." I told her._

_"Is she your girlfriend?" she asked quietly._

_"No." I said sternly. "She used to be my friend with benefits, that's all." I explained trying to keep my voice in check. _

_"Why did you lie to me, Santana?" She asked sternly. "You lied.. to me. Why?" She asked raising her voice a bit and I could hear the hurt in it._

_I winced. "I, I don't know." I shrugged._

_"Yes you do. Stop lying to me." I said through gritted teeth._

_"This isn't high school anymore, Brittany. You can't just show up and expect everything to be better." I huffed feeling my walls come up. "I'm not the same person I used to be."_

_"Yes you are, Santana." She said getting up from her seat. She walked over to me and grabbed the back of my neck pulling me into a deep kiss. I melted into it at first. Brittany's kisses always took my breath away. I pulled back a moment later but she held our faces inches apart. "You're still the same Santana." She whispered against my lips. "I know you're struggling right now but I promise you that we'll get through it."_

_I shook my head. "I'm not good enough."_

_"What? Yes you are Santana!" She said surprised. She cupped my cheeks in her hands. "You are the kindest, gentlest, most generous, most beautiful girl I've ever known and you deserve to be adored." She whispered forcing me to lock eyes with her. _

_I shook my head and tried to pry her hands away from my face but she held them still. "No."_

_"Yes." She cooed. "Tell me what you need me to do and I'll do it."_

_"There's nothing you can do." I said sternly._

_"You're lying." She shook her head._

_"I'm not. I can't be fixed, Brittany." I told her as her bottom lip started to tremble. "I think you should leave." I told her pulling her hands free of my face._

_"What?" She asked as her eyes widened._

_"Go back to school." I told her sternly._

_She shook her head. "No. That's not what you want and you know it." Tears began to stream down her face and I bit back mine in order for her to realize that I was no good for her. She choked on a sob and sunk to the ground burying her head in my stomach her arms tight around my waist. "Tell me- tell me what you need. I'll do anything, Santana. Please." She begged as she sobbed. I couldn't hold my tears in anymore and they rolled thickly down my cheeks. _

_We sat like that for what seemed like hours. Finally I wiped my cheeks and took a deep breath. I pryed her arms from around me and stepped away from her walking towards my bedroom._

_"Do you still love me, Santana?" She whispered causing me to halt._

_"Yes." I said softly._

_"Do you love me as much as you love drugs? You can't have both, Santana." She asked a little bit louder. I opened my mouth to answer but no words came out. I know this is shitty but in that moment, I didn't know how to answer that. The look she gave me could have just killed me right then and there. She looked utterly destroyed. It didn't last long, thank God. She stiffened and her expression became hard and unreadable. She snatched the bag of cocaine on the table and tossed it at me. "Fine. Here you go. Now you can snort up as much as you want because I'm done." She said sternly as she came a little closer so she was standing a few feet from me. "You hear me? I'm done! Don't call me, don't chase after me, don't even think about me. You want to do drugs? Well, congratulations, now you're free to do as many as you want. I hope you're happy." She turned on her heel and I heard some rustling around. Her luggage appeared by the door and I knew she was leaving._

_"Brittany, no- I" I stammered as I choked on a sob._

_"It's too late, Santana. You've made your choice, now I've made mine." She snarled echoing the words of my Abuela. Whether or not she did that purposely, I'm not so sure. She knew how painful that was and I don't think she was trying to throw it in my face but maybe she was to get a reaction from me._

_Before I could even reply, she was gone._

_A few days ago I have everything I'd ever wanted in my hands. Now there was just a bag of cocaine which in turn would be gone in a day._

_My hands began to tremble as the pills I had taken started to wear off. My body started to sweat and I started to feel the nausea. _

_I needed a fix. I needed to forget what just happened. I just needed the pain to go away._

_Cocaine only lasts a half hour. I needed something stronger and I was out of pills._

_I grabbed the bottle of Jack Daniels out of the fridge and took a long gulp coughing as the alcohol burned my throat on the way down. I found myself in the bathroom digging through the medicine cabinet to no avail. Frantically making my way to my bedroom I remembered something. Sophia left something in a tin can in my underwear drawer saying if I ever wanted something to make me feel so good, it was in there for me. _

_I stumbled to the dresser as the alcohol worked it's way into my bloodstream. Thank god I haven't eaten in a while, I felt the effects quicker._

_When I found the tin can, I opened it examining it's contents which was a brown looking substance and a syringe. I knew what this was and I had never used it before but I'd seen numerous people, including Sophia use it. People told me that it took all their pain away so here in my weakest moment, I surrendered to the drug letting it control me in anyway it wanted to._

_The high was instant. As soon as I injected it into my arm, the pain was gone. It felt like I could finally rest after years of not being able to. I felt relaxed and that was all I thought about. It was inlike anything I've ever felt before._

_And for the first time, everything went dark._

**A/N So... thoughts? Comments? Concerns? I'm so happy you guys are reviewing! Please keep reviewing! :D**


	6. Second Chances

**A/N Thank you so much for your reviews! They all meant so much to me. The next few chapters will be getting more in depth with Santana's past other than Brittany. So you'll be seeing exactly what led Santana to turn to drugs.**

_"Hey, I got us some coffee." It was Rachel's voice that woke me from my slumber. I must have passed out on the couch again although, this didn't feel like our couch and it most certainly didn't feel like my bed. I tried to open my eyes to see where the hell I was but they were heavy. I tried to shift my body but that felt heavier than my eyes felt. "I think she's waking up." There was Rachel's voice again. "Santana?" She called out to me and I felt her touch my hand. Rachel's never this nice to me. Why did I feel so heavy? I managed to open my eyes but everything was blurry. I could make out two shapes next to me and I blinked my eyes until they came into focus. It was Rachel and Kurt and we were definitely not in our apartment. I surge of panic took over as I scanned my surroundings. This was a hospital. "Santana?" Rachel called out gently. _

_I tried to ask her what was going on but no words came out. "You're in the hospital." Kurt told me as he read my expression. "You overdosed." He explained. I was still really disoriented and I was trying so hard to remember what happened. "Here, take a drink." He held up a cup of water with a straw to my mouth and I hesitantly took a few sips. It felt good on my throat which felt really dry and raw. _

_"I'm going to get the doctor." Rachel said getting up from her seat and leaving the room._

_"What happened?" I managed to whisper out. "How long was I asleep for?"_

_"Two days." He said as he held the cup up to my mouth again having me take a few more sips._

_"What happened?" I asked again. He was about to answer when there was a knock at the door followed by Rachel and a doctor entering._

_"Welcome back, Santana." He said with a small smile. "My name is Dr. Roth, I've been looking over you the past couple of days."_

_"What happened?" I asked for the third time now getting agitated._

_"You were brought in about two mornings ago and you were unresponsive. We had to revive you." I saw Rachel's eyes instantly glaze over as Kurt pursed his lips. "You overdosed on heroin and you also had alcohol in your system which is lethal in conjuction to alcohol. You're lucky to be alive." He explained. _

_I still didn't understand what was happening. Heroin? I've never done heroin. The last thing I remember is eating breakfast with Brittany._

_Brittany._

_I froze as the events from two nights ago unfolded in my head. She figured out I was lying to her and she left. I needed something to take the pain away from being a disappointment yet again so I used the heroin Sophia gave to me. I didn't even use that much from what I can remember. Everything went black after that._

_"I have you hooked up to some fluids as well as something to ease the withdraw symptoms. Now tell me, how long have you been abusing opiates and amphetamines?" He asked pulling out a pad and pen from his coat pocket. I opened my mouth to say something but no words came out. I didn't want to say this in front of Rachel and Kurt. "Oh, I apologize." He said turning to Rachel and Kurt. "Can you give us a minute?" They nodded and quickly left the room. He watched them leave and turned his attention back towards me. "I know this is hard, Santana but I need to know so that I can give you the proper medication you need to ease your detox." He explained sternly but politely._

_My heart sped up as I stared at him. "Six months." I said after a minute._

_He nodded and jotted something down on his pad. "Everyday? Or occasionally?"_

_I took a deep breath trying to calm my nerves. "Everyday."_

_"Okay, we have you stabilized now. I need to ask you something and I want you to be honest. Don't be afraid to tell me the truth, okay?" He gave me a small smile and squeezed my hand. I just nodded afraid of what his next question was. "Did you intentionally try to harm yourself?" He asked so gently._

_"No." I said sternly. "That was the first time I used heroin." I told him quietly._

_"Okay, I just had to ask." He assured me as I nodded. "Have you thought about treatment?" I shook my head slowly. "Okay, I'm going to let you rest for a while and I'll come back in a few hours. Think about it, okay?" I gave him a quick smile and nodded as he got up and left the room._

_A few minutes later, Rachel and Kurt came back in._

_"How are you feeling?" Kurt asked me sitting back down in the chair he was in before. Rachel sat down in the chair next to him._

_"Tired." I told him. "Where's Brittany?" I asked them quietly. "We had a fight and she left but I don't know where she was going." I explained._

_"She's here. She went to go grab something to eat." He explained. "She um, she was the one who found you." _

_"No." I said shaking my head not wanting to believe that she had to see me like that. "Does she hate me?" I asked trying to keep my emotions in check._

_"Santana, Brittany could never hate you." Rachel spoke softly. "You scared the hell out of her."_

_The door opened and all three of heads shot up. It was Brittany. "Yeah, okay, call me as soon as you know. I-" She was talking to someone on the phone when her eyes met mine and she froze. "I gotta go." She hung up the phone and practically jumped on top of me which startled me. "You're awake. I'm so sorry, Santana. I shouldn't have left you. I-" She was sobbing as she straddled me clutching tightly to my gown and burying her head in my shoulder._

_"We'll leave you two alone." Rachel said as her and Kurt got up and left the room._

_I hesitantly wrapped my arms around her waist as she continued to sob into my neck. "It wasn't your fault." I whispered in her hair. "It's okay, Brittany. I'm okay." I cooed rubbing her back. Her sobs turned to sniffles and she sat up._

_"I could seriously beat the crap out of you right now!" She nearly yelled. "What the hell were you thinking, Santana? You were dead!" Angry tears were sliding down her face._

_"I'm sorry, I, I wasn't thinking." I stammered bringing my hands to rest at my side. _

_"Were you trying to kill yourself?" Brittany whispered sadly._

_"No!" I said sternly trying to sit up a little._

_"I talked to your parents." She said softly as she got off of me and sat down in the chair Rachel was just sitting. _

_I swallowed thickly. My parents knew about my drug use prior to this. They came to visit a few weeks prior to Brittany showing up and it's safe to say it wasn't pretty. "What did they say?"_

_"They were concerned." She nodded. "We, um, we came up with a plan.. for you." She said hesitantly breaking eye contact._

_"What do you mean?" I asked furrowing my brows._

_"A plan to get you help." She stated locking eyes with me again._

_I scoffed. "I'm fine, Brittany. I don't need help." I defended._

_"Really? Because I found you dead on your bedroom floor." She said her eyes welling up with tears. "Don't tell me you have it under control because that proves you don't." _

_"Please, stop." I said shaking my head._

_"I want you to come somewhere with me." She said standing up as I looked at her confused. "It's in the hospital." She explained. "Please?"_

_I stared at her for moment before nodding. "Okay."_

_"Are you okay to walk?" She asking pulling the covers off of me._

_"Umm, I'm not sure. Help me up?" I asked holding out my hands which she immediately took and helped me up. I was a little wobbly as I stood up._

_"We can get a wheelchair." She suggested._

_I shook my head. "No, it's okay just don't let go of me." I told her. She nodded and wrapped her arm around my waist for support and used the other to wheel my IV drip._

_We walked to the elevator which took us a few floors up. Brittany's arm never faltering to keep me on my feet as we walked down the hallway of the other floor. Brittany whispered something to the receptionist who nodded and called someone on the phone. A few moments later a nurse appeared._

_"Hello, Brittany. It's been a while." The nurse smiled sweetly. "This way." She said and we followed her down a few different hallways until we stopped at one where the nurse pulled out keys and unlocked the door. "Molly, look who's here. It's Brittany."_

_We walked into a small room that was mostly bare besides a bed and a desk with a few books on it. There was a woman who looked to be in her early thirties rocking back and forth on the bed. "The farm. They're coming. They're coming." She kept chanting to herself. She finally looked up after a moment. "B-Brittany?"_

_"Hey Molly. How are you today?" Brittany asked smiling sweetly at the woman._

_"G-good." She stuttered._

_"This is my friend, Santana. Remember I told you about her?" She asked gently her smile never faltering. "Santana, this is my cousin Molly."_

_Molly looked me up and down before coming over to be and staring me right in face. "If you do bad things, they'll come for you." She then turned around and walked back over to her bed sitting down and resumed rocking back and forth._

_"What's wrong with her?" I whispered to Brittany._

_"She was addicted to drugs for a long time. After one too many trips on acid she became delusional and put a water pistol to her head and told everyone she was dead. She was convinced that she was dead for a month. She became so psychotic that she burnt her house down after that because she thought that her house was telling her to do bad things and that the devil was going to come and take her to hell. She's been here ever since. I come to visit her sometimes. I think I'm the only one who does." She explained her eyes never leaving her cousin._

_"You've never told me about her." I told her shocked that there was this part of Brittany I never knew._

_"Yeah, I know. No one knows I come to visit. It's like me and Molly's secret." She said smiling a bit._

_"HE'S COMING!" Molly then shouted as she ran to the window and was attempting to climb it._

_"Shit." Brittany said running over to her cousin before hitting the nurse button. "Molly get down from there! You'll hurt yourself!" She said calmly as she grabbed her cousin's hips._

_A few seconds later a team of doctors ran in grabbing Molly who was now screaming at the top of her lungs. My heart started beating furiously and I grabbed my IV and backed out of the room to the hallway where I leaned again the wall closing my eyes tightly as Molly's screams filled the floor. A few minutes later there was silence as the doctors and Brittany exited the room._

_"That should keep her calm for a while." A doctor said to Brittany who nodded calmly. I'm guessing Brittany has seen this before because she didn't even flinch._

_"Why did you bring me here?" I asked Brittany when she walked over to me._

_"Because Molly was a lot like you, Santana. She was my favorite cousin growing up. She always had this light about her and she only let certain people see it. She was an incredible artist and it could have taken her places. Molly moved away when I was a teenager and I didn't see her for a few years. When I finally did, that light she had was burned out. That's when she began abusing drugs." She explained looking me directly in the eyes. "I don't want your light to burn out, Santana and if you keep this up, sooner or later it will. I can't go through that again. You're too talented and smart and incredible to let that happen." _

_I closed my eyes and covered them with my hands trying to keep my tears in. I took a shakey breath and I needed to sit so I slid down the wall and crouched down. Brittany crouched down as well and took my face in her hands._

_"Look at me, Santana." She said sternly. I sucked in a breath and opened my eyes staring into her blue ones. "You need help, Santana because if you don't get help now that's going to be you." Her eyes began to water and turn red making it harder for me to keep my tears in. "Your parents and I have a recovery center waiting for you if you're willing to go. Please.. please tell me you'll go."_

_"I-I can't." I said shakily as a tear rolled down my cheek._

_"Why?" She asked brokenly._

_"I just.. can't." I whispered. "Why can't you just give up on me like everyone else? Why can't you just hate me? I've been awful to you." I said as my voice started to crack._

_"Because you're my best friend, San. You can push me away all you want but I'll always be here for you." She said through tears. "I don't like that you lied and that you hurt me so bad. I can't forgive you for that just yet. I hate how bad it hurts but I could never hate you." She was really starting to cry now and it broke me. "You need help or you're going to die and you can't do that to me, San, I love you." She choked on a sob as she let out a shakey breath. "Why won't you just go and get the help you need?"_

_"Because I'm scared." I admitted as I began to sob._

_"What if I promise to help you through this?" She asked and my eyes snapped up to hers. "I promise to be there with you every step of the way. I don't break promises. You know that. Please, Santana. Please. I need you." We sat there for a few minutes as we both sobbed for different reasons. She pressed her forehead to mine, her hands still holding my wet cheeks. After a few minutes I nodded against her._

_"Okay." I said so quietly I doubt she heard me. _

_"You'll go?" She asked pulling away from me to look in my eyes. I nodded again as I let out a sob. She pulled me into her and held me tight as our bodies both racked with sobs. I clutched to her hoping that she could pull me through this, hoping that I could pull me through this._

_To be honest, I wasn't exactly ready for things to change. If I had it my way I'd get the hell out of there and sought out whatever drug I could find to numb the throbbing ache of disappointment that I felt. I knew that wasn't an option anymore. The truth is that even though I wasn't trying to off myself, if I did, I honestly wouldn't have cared. Sober life seemed like hell to me and I wasn't ready to face my problems. I wondered if anyone ever was and maybe that's why drugs are such a hard thing to kick._

_The doctor came back later on and we told him our plans which he was thrilled about. I was released from the hospital two days later. Brittany went to my apartment to pack my things for me so I wouldn't run away or anything. The treatment center was two hours away from the city and even though the hospital offered to have me transported directly, I just needed some time away from doctors for a little bit to get myself together so Brittany drove me. She held my hand the whole way there as we sat in silence. I started to panic when we pulled into the driveway._

_"Um, in order for them to take you, you have to have something in your system when you go in there and they detoxed you at the hospital. So when I was at your apartment I found your stash and I brought some for you to take." She told me as she unzipped the front pouch of the bookbag she had put some of my things in and pulled out a baggie full of pills and my little case that I kept cocaine in. "I didn't know what you'd normally take or how much so I just brought some of everything. Well, except for the heroin. We aren't doing that again." She chuckled trying to make light of the situation. "So pick whichever." She handed me to bag and I hesitantly took it._

_I stared at the contents of the bag in my lap. "I don't want to use in front of you." I whispered still staring at my lap._

_"It's just one last time, San. It's okay." She assured me grabbing my hand and giving it a squeeze. I knew that if I did a line of cocaine the high would be almost instant and I wasn't ready to go in there yet. I pulled out two pills and handed the bag back to Brittany who grabbed a water from the backseat and handed it to be before shoving the drugs back into the bookbag._

_"I'll get rid of that when I get home." She said nodding to the bookbag. I nodded and stared at the pills in my hand. I couldn't believe that I was sitting outside of a rehab center with Brittany who was encouraging me to get high. I took a deep breath and swallowed the pills before taking a long sip of water and handing it back to Brittany. She screwed the cap back on the bottle and reached for my hand again holding it tightly in hers. "Let me know when you're ready." She pulled our interwined hands into her lap and held them in her free hand._

_It felt like hours before I finally worked up the courage to tell her I was ready. Being high helped immensely because it numbed me. It was glorious. I missed that feeling of ironically not feeling anything._

_They searched all my stuff when we got in, pulling out things that I could intentionally harm myself with and looking for drugs. I had to take a pee test which came back with drugs in my system. I had to fill out a bunch of paperwork and they gave me a wristband with my information on it followed by a physical exam by a doctor. I was given a tour of the campus and assigned a room. They let Brittany stay with me for dinner but after was when she had to leave._

_We hugged for a long time and I couldn't figure out who didn't want to let go more, me or her. I was still high but it was wearing off at that point so my emotions were coming back to me. I buried my face in her neck which were now coated with my tears. She just kept murmuring things to me like "it's okay, san" or "I'll come visit you as soon as I can" or "everything is going to be okay. I promise." I knew that we were going to have to let go sooner or later so I pulled back and wiped my tears. She kissed me on the cheek and slowly let me go leaving me to finally face my demons._

_Needless to say, I cried myself to sleep that night._

"I have some news." My therapist said breaking me from my thoughts. "Tomorrow your parents will be here. Brittany also will be back. She apologized for storming out last week."

My parents coming to visit me terrified and shocked me. I've disppointed them the most. I know that. Still, it terrified me to come face to face with them knowing I would hear how much I've disappointed them.

"What are you thinking?" She asked once again breaking me from my thoughts.

"It's been so long since I've talked to them." I said softly. "The last time we spoke didn't exactly end well."

"Can you tell me about that?" She asked looking at me intently.

I took a deep breath and shifted uncomfortably. "It was a couple of weeks before Brittany showed up. Rachel and Kurt had been trying to call me all day but I was too busy partying to answer. I came home that night high as a kite, like it was so obvious and my parents were in my living room."

_"Mom. Dad." I said as my eyes widened as I stumbled into my apartment. "Wh-what are you doing here?" I was trying so hard not to slur my words._

_"Rachel and Kurt called us." My mom said quietly._

_"Mija, look at me." My dad said sternly. I looked at him instantly feeling threatened by his tone. He got up from his spot on the couch and took me in before shaking his head. "It's true, then." He said in disbelief. "What the hell is going on, Santana?" He raised his voice a tiny bit, it was only a little bit but it startled me._

_"No-nothing." I lied._

_"Don't you dare lie to me. I'm a doctor, I know what people look like when they're on drugs. You're high as kite right now and you know it." He said sternly never breaking eye contact. My heart was beating out of my chest and I just wanted to run. "Go to bed. We'll talk in the morning when you're sober." He commanded. I didn't want this conversation to last any longer so I obeyed._

_The next morning my mother woke me up with coffee and breakfast. She didn't say much but she kept eyeing me. I don't think she really knew how to react. After I finished eating my dad made me sit down on the couch._

_"Okay, here's what is going to happen. You're going to come home with us and we're going to get you help. You can't be here anymore." He said sternly. My dad rarely uses this tone but when he does it scares me. _

_"Daddy, I'm fine." I whispered looking at the floor._

_He scoffed. "Mija, if this is fine I'm scared to know what not fine looks like." His tone was gentler this time. "Your mother is going to run out and get some boxes for you."_

_"What if I don't want to go?" I asked looking at them. "I'm 21 and you can't make me."_

_"You're coming." My dad said sternly._

_"No, I'm not." I said in almost the same tone. _

_"Santana please don't do this." My mother said finally speaking up._

_"I'm not going back to Ohio. This is my life now." My dad's face was turning red now as my mother's eyes welled up with tears._

_"So this is what we get for giving you everything? I worked my ass off to give you the best life you could have and this is how you repay me? By using drugs?" My dad was trying to keep his voice down but I knew it wouldn't last long. I wasn't going to let them win._

_"I'm not going." I said crossing my arms over my chest._

_"I don't believe you right now. What happened to my sweet daughter?" My dad asked shaking his head as I scoffed. He stepped closer so he was inches away from my face. "Now you listen to me, if you don't come with us it'll be the worst decision you've ever made and I promise you'll regret it forever. My daughter will not be using drugs."_

_"You don't get to decide how I live my life. I'm an adult now, you don't get a say anymore." I said shaking my head._

_"If you don't get your ass in that car I'm-"_

_"You're gonna what?" I asked sarcastically. "Ground me? You can't force me to do anything! I'm staying here and that's final."_

_"Fine but until you get your shit straightened out, don't bother talking to us. Don't come home and don't ask us for anything else." He said and I'm not going to lie, that hurt._

_"That money I gave you for graduation? I want it back." My mother said standing up._

_"Fine. You'll get it back." I said standing up as well._

_"You're making a mistake. I'm disappointed in you." My dad looked me directly in the eyes and said that._

_"I don't care. Just.. leave me alone." I wrapped my arms around myself and looked at the ground._

_"Mija, please." My mother begged._

_"Just leave." I said closing my eyes._

"So they left?" Dr. Thurman asked furrowing her brows.

"Yeah. I don't think they knew what else to do. I think everyone was hoping I've come to my senses and come running back to them but.." I trailed off.

"But that's not what happened." She finished for me. I shook my head sadly.

"I don't even know what to say to them." I looked down at my hands in my lap and wringed my wrists nervously. "The word sorry doesn't sound good enough." I said shaking my head. "I just suck at articulating my feelings to people."

"Well how did you do it before?" She asked chewing on the end of her pen. "When you first told Brittany your feelings for her, how did you do it?"

"I sang to her." I told her smiling at memory.

"Do you still sing?"

"Not as much anymore but singing has always helped me express what I can't say."

"How about this; how about tomorrow when you're parents and Brittany come, you sing to them?" I gave her a confused look. "Think of a song that expresses how you feel and I can arrange for you to use the music room for as long as you'd like to prepare and that way maybe you'll feel more comfortable expressing your regrets to them."

/

"Thank you all for being here today." Dr Thurman said to my parents and Brittany who were sitting in chairs next to one another. I sat opposite them next to Dr. Thurman who took out her notes and pen and set them in her lap. "Now today, we will be doing some theraputic techniques to really understand the depth of your relationships. I sat down with Santana here yesterday to discuss what I expect to happen today and Santana expressed to me that she expresses herself best through singing. So Santana, if you will." My therapist said pointing to the piano in the corner.

I got up and sat at the piano nervously. "Um, so I can't express to you how sorry I am for what I've put all of you through. Saying I'm sorry just doesn't seem good enough so I, uh, wanted to tell you guys some things that I can't say. I'm just gonna.." I trailed off as I took a deep breath and started playing the music.

Seems like it was yesterday when I saw your face  
>You told me how proud you were<br>But I walked away  
>If I only I knew what I know today<p>

I looked over at Brittany and sang the next part to her.

I would hold you in my arms  
>I would take the pain away<br>Thank you for all you've done  
>Forgive all your mistakes<p>

There's nothing I wouldn't do  
>To hear your voice again<br>Sometimes I wanna call ya  
>But I know you won't be there<p>

I turned my attention back to the keys singing with more emotion.

Oh, I'm sorry for blaming you  
>For everything I just couldn't do<br>And I've hurt myself by hurting you

Some days I feel broke inside but I won't admit  
>Sometimes I just want to hide cause it's you I miss<br>And it's so hard to say goodbye  
>When it comes to these rules<p>

I looked over at my parents and sang the next part to them noticing my mother wiping a tear away.

Would you tell me I was wrong?  
>Would you help me understand?<br>Are you looking down upon me?  
>Are you proud of who I am?<p>

There's nothing I wouldn't do  
>To have just once more chance<br>To look into your eyes  
>And see you looking back<p>

Oh, I'm sorry for blaming you  
>For everything I just couldn't do<br>And I've hurt myself by hurting you

Once again locking eyes with Brittany, I sang to her.

If I had just one more day  
>I would tell you how I missed since you've been away<br>Oh it's dangerous  
>It's so out of line<br>To try and turn back time

I felt tears pouring out of my eyes as I sang the last part struggling to stay strong.

I'm sorry for blaming you  
>For everything I just couldn't do<br>And I've hurt myself

By hurting you

I sniffled and wiped the tears that wouldn't stop rolling down my cheeks. My mother was now a weeping mess in her chair as my dad wrapped his arm around her. Brittany's eyes were red and she swallowed thickly trying to keep her emotions in check. Dr. Thurman got up and handed me a tissue and as I dried my eyes, I felt a pair of arms around me. They were my mother's.

**A/N Hope you all enjoyed the chapter! This is a two parter so don't worry, there's more coming! :)**

**Let me know if you need me to elaborate on anything else as well and I will add it more in the story.**


	7. Am I Ready?

My mom's arms wrapped around me as she tried her best to stifle her sobs. My arms immediately went around her and I couldn't stop the tears that fell from my eyes even though I still felt that I didn't deserve to cry. She held me like a small child as our bodies shook against each other's. I could have stayed like that forever, wrapped in my mother's arms, her coddling me and protecting me from the world. When the hug finally broke, she pulled away cupping my cheeks placing a kiss on my forehead and wiping my tears away. Her eyes were rimmed with red making the tear tracks on her cheeks.

"I love you so much, Santana." She whispered as she stared into my eyes. "And I'm so proud of you." That made me cry harder and she pulled me in for another hug. "Shh, it's all okay now." She cooed as I clutched to her knowing that I didn't totally fuck up my relationship with her. She peppered kisses to my head and then released me going back to sit next to my father who's eyes were also rimmed with red.

"I asked each of your loved ones to write you a letter expressing their feelings and I'd like them to read them to you, if you will." Dr. Thurman said motioning to my mom, dad, and Brittany. They each pulled out a piece of paper from different pockets and places. "Mrs. Lopez, would you be able to go first?" She asked handing my mom a tissue.

My mom nodded and opened up her folded paper where I could now see there was writing on. She dried her tears and cleared her throat before taking a breath. "My Dearest Santana, Ever since the day you were born, I've felt like my life was complete. You were the miracle baby that I wasn't supposed to have due to my difficulties concieving. Even when you were little, you were always very driven. You worked hard in school and if you wanted something, you got it despite other people's disbelief. The day you told me that you were gay was one of my proudest moments as a parent. You were so scared but I knew that you were just finding acceptance within yourself and finding the beauty in your heart. I love you more than I could ever tell you and I will always love you even after I'm gone. The day that Rachel and Kurt called be alerting me and your father of your drug use was one of the hardest days of my life. I felt like I had failed you as a parent and that perhaps it was in some ways my fault. The second I saw you, I knew that you were on a destructive path and it terrified me. You were cold and disconnected from not just us but everyone around you. Your drive and your heart were no longer present. For the next few weeks, I feared for that phone call that inevitably came. You're fortunate to be alive, Santana and I hope that you take this treatment seriously so that together we can restore your heart and your drive to the way it was. I love you and I will always be here for you, Love Mom."

My mom wiped the tears that were streaming down her face again with her tissue as my dad reached behind her and rubbed her back. Dr. Thurman handed me another tissue as I mimicked my mother's motions.

"Okay, good. Mr. Lopez?" Dr. Thurman asked after taking some notes. Suddenly my heart sped up and I felt a little panicky so I clasped my hands together tightly hoping that that would keep me somewhat grounded.

"Santana," My dad said before clearing his throat. "The first time I held you in my arms, I knew that I loved you. You were so tiny yet so strong even at an early age. My job from that day forth was to protect you and give you the best of everything. I had a feeling when you were really young that I was going to have to keep an eye on you because while you were brave and strong, you were also mischievious and impulsive. However, I was shocked to learn that you were using drugs. It angered me because that's not the person I raised you to be. It hurt me because I could see in your eyes that you knew it was wrong but you just didn't care. You disappointed me." That last sentence stung so I gripped my hands tighter and closed my eyes thinking that if I couldn't see him, it would hurt less. "I did everything for you and I still don't understand why you chose to disappoint us like that. However, I am proud of you that you chose to accept help. I hope that you can learn techniques to keep you clean and sober when you leave here. I still see you as my little girl and I still want the best for you. I love you, Santana. -Dad." He sniffled trying to keep the tears away, not allowing himself to cry in front of me. I'd never seen my dad like this before. He was always so strong and knowing that I made him hurt like this killed me.

"Brittany?" Dr. Thurman then asked.

Suddenly I felt the urge to throw up. I didn't know what was worse, disappointing my parents or disappointing Brittany. I swallowed thickly as I watch her shift in her seat as she tried her hardest not to cry.

"Dear Santana, I remember the day I first met you. We were on the playground and you protected me from Katie Stretch who was the bully in our class. I often ponder about that day because if it hadn't been for you, I'm sure Katie would have still be making my life miserable. You were always the sunshine that got me through those hard days. You always had my back and never let anyone make me feel less than what I am. Those are just some of the reasons I fell in love with you. I love that you put on this tough act and you only show your sweet side to me. I love your heart even though you keep it locked away. You've always been so strong even in your most vulnerable moments. When I saw you for the first time at the club, I instantly fell in love with you all over again even though you were high as a kite. I could see the real you deep down even though you were trying to push that part of you away. No matter what you do, Santana, you can't hide from me. You should know now that I'll never give up on you. Whether we're together or not, I'll always be your best friend. I'm still trying to find it in myself to forgive you and I honestly don't know how long that will take. I don't know if our relationship is forever damaged or if it's fixable. I guess only time will tell that. Here's what I do know; when you came home the night that ended with me leaving and I looked into your eyes, I couldn't see you anymore." Her voice started to crack and she stopped for a moment to get herself together. My mom reached over and placed her hand on her back to steady her and I was so thankful for that. "The Santana that I knew would never lie to me or hurt me. That's what hurt the most, the lies. I knew that it wouldn't be simple for you to just stop using and I honestly didn't know that it had become that bad. You broke my heart. And then when I found you on the bathroom floor, I was devastated. I came back because I wasn't going to give up on you that easily and I never will. I don't know what I can be other than your friend so I'm keeping my promise to get you through this every step of the way. I love you, Santana and I'm so proud of how far you've come." She was in tears now. She folded the letter back up and wiped her face before taking a deep breath and looking at me. I was visibly shaking as tears streamed down my face. I didn't even try to stop them this time.

I cleared my throat and stood. "Can I, um..?" I asked Dr. Thurman motioning to Brittany who was trying to keep her emotions at bay.

Dr. Thurman nodded with a small smile and I walked over to Brittany who stood up before engulfing her in a hug. She held me tight as I buried my face in her hair inhaling her scent.

"I love you, too." I whispered into blonde hair. We didn't let go for a long time but when we did, she kissed me on the cheek and sat back down. I went back to my own seat and shifted nervously in the chair.

"Okay, good. Really good." Dr. Thurman said softly. "Well, I know that this family still has a lot of healing left but I can assure you that Santana has made outstanding progress. She's now eighty-five days sober from when she came in which means that we will assess her over the next few days and determine if we feel she is ready to leave at the intended ninety days."

I swallowed thickly at the last statement. Surely I was sober and I've started to feel like myself again. And even though the urge to use was still there, I wasn't dependant on it anymore. Still, the fear of leaving this safe place was weighing on me. I couldn't bear to hurt anyone anymore and I didn't want to be a disappointment again.

"So, what happens if she's able to go home?" My dad asked taking me by surprise.

"Well, we will set her up with NA meetings where she can find herself a sponsor who will help her with the transition. If need be we can help locate some sober living facilities for her and we can transfer her to a new therapist closer to home." Dr. Thurman explained.

My mom and dad both nodded. "Mija, we love you and you can always come home if you need to. We'll help you through this." My dad said gently.

I smiled at them. "Thanks but I, um, I don't really know what I want to do quite yet. I don't know if I'm ready to leave New York yet." I said carefully.

"But mija, you can't go back to that environment. I mean last time-" My mother said but was cut off by Brittany.

"Well, I'm in the city now. I could be there for her." She is such a godsent. I smiled appreciatively at her and she smiled back knowingly.

"How about we wait a few more days and see how it goes?" Dr. Thurman suggested causing us all to nod. "Great. Okay, well that's all we have time for today so we'll be in touch. It was nice to meet you, Mr. and Mrs. Lopez." She said standing and shaking my parent's hands. She then went over to Brittany and shook her hand as well. I glanced over at the blonde giving her a smile and waving a goodbye which she reciprocated.

The thing that scared me more than sobriety was going back to face reality. Sure it would be sensible to go back home with my parents and start over again but New York was my home. It's where I belong, I'm sure of it. I know I lost my way before but I'm back on track now. I know the steps, I know what to do now if I feel myself slipping away; don't use, call my sponsor, ask for help.

I know now that I don't have to use drugs to self-medicate. I have friends, family, and counselors to talk to. Of course talking about feelings is something I loathe but if I had to do it, I would.

I know now that I am worthy of living a full adventurous life. I understand that it's hard to make it out there and it's okay to feel lost and unsure of what you want for the future.

I am worthy of sobriety.

I know that not everyone is going to agree with every aspect of who you are and that's okay. It's important that you agree with yourself.

I forgive the people who have caused me harm and I forgive myself for causing harm to other people. Well, atleast I'm working on the second half. I'm working on it.

Now that I know all of these things, am I really ready to leave rehab? Am I ready to go back into the world that broke me? If I see drugs, can I resist the temptation? Should I get my own apartment in the city or should I go to a sober living facility?

There's so many questions and I'm feeling the pressure to answer them all. I never thought I'd hear myself say this but I wish I had more time in here.

"So, Santana, how do you think that went?" Dr. Thurman asked sitting back down in her chair.

"It went okay, I guess. It's hard to say really." I explained.

"Do you think you're ready to leave treatment?" She asked bluntly.

"Again, it's hard to say. I mean I'm feeling better than I was when I first came here."

...

_I've been here for a week, one long exhausting week. I've had no contact with the outside world whatsoever and the cravings to use are stronger than ever. I feel like I'm suffocating in here. It's like prison in a way, I mean I can't even use the bathroom without someone watching me. I hate this so much. Technically I signed myself in so I could sign myself out and go home if I really wanted to but I made a promise._

_The food is mediocre and I don't have a roommate yet due to detox but I'm sure it's going to be pleasant when they reassign me to a room._

_They gave me some medication to help with the withdrawal symptoms. Luckily they aren't too bad because I did most of my detox while I was in the hospital and I was asleep most of the time for that._

_I've been seeing my therapist everyday. Dr. Thurman is her name. She's okay, I mean she doesn't push me to talk and she isn't judging as far as I know. She's African American with long dark curly hair, she has to be in her thirties, she's not bad on the eyes. I'm just glad they didn't give me one of those bitchy condescending types._

_She was trying to get me to open up still about the night I overdosed. She'd been asking me simple questions about it like what I remember and what had happened prior to it. I told her about Brittany. We talked about Brittany a lot but mostly because it was the first thing on my mind._

_"When you took the drugs, what were your intentions? Where you trying to harm yourself?"_

_"I wasn't trying to kill myself but at the same time, if I had died, I don't think I would've cared." I admitted quietly._

_"Tell me about that, if you can." Dr. Thurman said gently._

_I debated on lying or just saying that I didn't know or didn't want to talk about it but I vowed to myself and Brittany that I wouldn't lie. "I just wanted to do something great in New York. That's why people go there but it's been years and still I've done absolutely nothing." I said looking out the window. "Everyone around me is moving forward, doing amazing things. Rachel is about to be on Broadway, Kurt's got this great internship, Mercedes is within arms length of a record deal, Quinn is doing great at Yale, Brittany's got MIT going for her and I'm just in the same place I started at." _

_"Do you feel like you've failed?" She asked while furrowing her brows in curiousity._

_"Yeah." I breathed out. "I feel like I've been running on a treadmill trying to get somewhere and everyone else is just breezing by me. I didn't feel like that when I used."_

_"What did using make you feel like?"_

_"Alive." I stated looking my therapist in the eyes. "When I was high, it felt like I mattered and like I could do anything I wanted to. There was no pressure to succeed. People liked me. People accepted me. That's all I've ever wanted."_

_"And people don't accept you when you're sober? Why do you feel that way?" She asked now pressing for more answers._

_"My whole life I've felt like an outsider from just being Latina and being gay, being the one who's afraid of feelings, afraid of disappointing people. I'm kind of a bitch because if I hurt them first, then it's less likely they'll hurt me." I paused for a moment to collect my thoughts. "When I was high, I was great."_

_"Do you feel worthy of acceptance and love from other people?"_

_"No."_

...

"The truth is, Santana, there's things in life that no one is ever ready for. Leaving treatment is an example of that and the only person who knows if they're ready enough to face the real world is yourself." She explained and I nodded in agreement while focusing on the gray carpet.

"So, are you ready to leave treatment?"

**A/N - Thoughts? Think Santana's ready?**


End file.
